Post-Traumatic Growth: Finding Light in the Darkest Places

 

Regret and remorse are universal experiences that shape the way we view the world and navigate our lives. From the seemingly trivial to the deeply consequential, these feelings can weigh heavily on our hearts, sometimes staying with us for a lifetime. For some, the pain of regret becomes a silent companion that changes the way they approach relationships, decisions, and their sense of self. In my case, the most profound sources of regret stem from my time as part of a United Nations peacekeeping mission—experiences that have stayed with me and shaped who I am today.

During my tour of duty, I was witness to the harsh realities of war. The devastation, the suffering, and the raw human cost of conflict were things I could never have prepared for. I was young at the time, eager to make a difference, to help in any way I could. Every day, I asked for permission to give the locals food, shelter, and the resources they needed to rebuild their lives. I wanted to be part of something that could offer hope in the midst of despair.

But each time, my requests were denied. As part of the United Nations forces, our role was to observe—not intervene. We knew about the attacks that would devastate villages before they happened. We had the intelligence, we had the warnings, but we were powerless to act. We pleaded to be allowed to defend the villages, to offer any form of protection to those caught in the crossfire. But time and time again, we were told that our mission was to observe and document—not to participate in the conflict.

The feeling of helplessness was crushing. As soldiers, we were trained to protect, to act in the face of danger, and to help those in need. But in this situation, we were restricted by rules and mandates far beyond our control. The remorse I felt was profound. It was a deep, gnawing pain that I carried with me long after I left that mission.

Years later, I still carry those memories, along with the weight of the regret that comes with them. I regret not being able to help, not being able to protect innocent lives, and not making a real difference in the face of overwhelming suffering. These events, along with other painful experiences in my life, have shaped my view of the world. They’ve shaped my understanding of humanity, of justice, and of the limits of our individual power.

Yet, I had to learn to let go of this burden. I had to understand that, despite my best efforts and deepest desires, there were circumstances far beyond my control. The choices made by those in charge, the political realities of the situation, and the limitations imposed on us were not something I could have changed. As much as I wish I could go back and act differently, the truth is that the world in which we lived—especially in those moments—did not allow for the kind of intervention I had hoped for.

It wasn’t easy. Letting go of guilt and learning to accept the reality of those circumstances took time. It involved coming to terms with the fact that some events were not my fault and that some things simply couldn't be fixed. I had to learn not to blame myself for everything that happened, and to understand that there were forces at play much larger than any one individual.

As I’ve moved forward with my life, I’ve come to realize the importance of focusing on what I can control. I can’t change the past, and I can’t undo the mistakes or missed opportunities. What I can do is learn from those experiences and use them to guide my actions in the present. I can choose to focus on the positive changes I can make in the world, no matter how small they may seem. I can work toward making a difference, even if it’s just the lives of those around me.

Regret and remorse are not easy emotions to carry. They often linger in the background, resurfacing when we least expect them. But learning to accept them, to understand the role they play in our growth, is an essential part of healing. As I move forward, I’ve learned that peace comes from acknowledging what I cannot change and focusing my energy on what I can—whether that’s being kind to others, standing up for what’s right, or simply trying to be a better person.

The journey of coming to terms with regret is ongoing, but each day brings with it an opportunity to heal and to embrace life in all its complexity. The key is learning to live with the pain, not as a source of shame, but as a reminder of our capacity for compassion and the need for positive change. And in doing so, we can find peace, even amid the darkest memories.