Experiences of war, what a mental health journey!

During my military career, I had the privilege and burden of serving in some of the most challenging and harrowing environments. I completed two tours of duty, one in 1993 and another in 2005, each leaving an indelible mark on my life.

The first tour, in the heart of a War, exposed me to the brutal realities of ethnic conflict, violence, and destruction. As a young service member, I saw firsthand the impact of war on innocent civilians and experienced the weight of operating in a combat zone where death, chaos, and devastation were constant companions. The emotional toll of witnessing suffering and loss, not only on the battlefield but also in the aftermath, was overwhelming. It was in those moments, navigating the complexity of wartime engagement, that I learned the true meaning of survival, camaraderie, and sacrifice. The sights, sounds, and emotions from that time are etched in my memory, and they forever changed my understanding of what it means to be human.

Twelve years later, I found myself in another deployment during a time of prolonged conflict, but the environment was strikingly different. The landscape, the people, and the nature of combat presented new challenges, yet the underlying themes of violence, destruction, and death were all too familiar. In both places, the sadness, fear, and helplessness experienced by those caught in the crossfire of war profoundly shaped how I viewed the world. These tours forced me to confront the very real and devastating consequences of global conflict.

In addition to my operational deployments, my role as an investigator and polygraph examiner for a major crime investigation unit over the course of 12 years exposed me to the darker aspects of human nature. I investigated some of the most brutal and unfortunate events—crimes that involved violence, loss, and betrayal. The experiences of uncovering truths, often buried in trauma and suffering, left me with a deep sense of the complexities of power, control, and trust. It was in these investigations that I gained a deeper understanding of human behavior, both the capacity for cruelty and the desire for justice, but the emotional toll of confronting such darkness left lasting scars.

The combination of my tours of duty and my investigative work has shaped several key aspects of my life. My sense of safety, once perhaps a given, became something fragile and fleeting. Trust, too, became a complex and hard-won commodity. In a world where deception and betrayal were part of the reality I had to face, maintaining trust with others and even within myself became a constant struggle. I also found that the experiences of war and violence altered my perceptions of power and control—especially the ways in which people seek to assert dominance in the face of chaos and suffering. These experiences had a profound effect on my self-esteem, at times diminishing it as I grappled with the weight of the loss and destruction around me.

I found myself sinking into a place of darkness and isolation, where the weight of my experiences seemed impossible to escape. Hyper-vigilance became my constant companion, leaving me trapped in my own home, unable to shake the feeling of being on high alert. The world outside felt distant, and even within my own family, I felt like an outsider. During family events, I was physically present but emotionally absent, as though I were encased in a glass box, disconnected from everyone around me.

The memories of past events haunted me, forcing their way back into my mind when I least expected them. Each day felt like a struggle to stay afloat as the depression took hold, slowly deepening with time. My thoughts became darker, and I began to isolate myself from everyone—friends, family, and even fellow veterans who could have understood. It felt like I was fighting a battle alone, a battle that I didn’t know how to win.

But even in the darkest of times, there are always resources and people who can help. It was through the Ottawa Royal Hospital that I found a path toward healing. With the unwavering love and encouragement from my family, friends and support of my incredible psychotherapist, I began to slowly turn things around. It was not an easy journey, and there were times when the darkness seemed insurmountable, but with each small step, I began to see that there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Through this journey, I have learned an important truth: we are never truly alone. There are always people out there who are ready to listen, to help, and to guide us through our struggles. My experience has shown me that even when it feels like everything is falling apart, there is always hope. Healing is possible, and it's okay to reach out for help—because no matter how deep the suffering may feel, there is always someone willing to walk with you towards a brighter future. 

The scars of my military career, both visible and invisible, have made me who I am today. The brutal realities I faced—violence, death, and the inherent sadness of war—have shaped my worldview in ways both positive and negative. While I carry the weight of these experiences, I also recognize the resilience and strength they have instilled in me. Though the cost was high, my career has deepened my empathy, heightened my awareness of the fragility of life, and sharpened my understanding of what it truly means to fight for survival, justice, and peace.

Never hesitate to call someone when things are not right:

https://findahelpline.com/countries/ca

Please leave a comment, let me know of your journey, thoughts or comments!